Insight

Yes it is an insight, inside. Breath, prana, life, right now. Moving ahead but yet moving backwards and therefore immobile. Past, present and future, right now. How long since you crossed over to the other side? Wait, correction. How long since you decided to cross over to the other side? May be most appropriate is: How long until I see you again? Wait, correction. How long until I cross over and see what you see? Yes, I would like to know what is that you see now that I don’t see and I wonder what is it that you want to feel that I can feel. May be a fair exchange will be that you show me and I feel for you, what say?

Acceptance of what happened comes slowly or quickly and in what manner? I am breathing still. All it takes is breath. Breath in and breath out. Pay attention to it, the whole universe is breathing, the whole universe beats with our heart beat. Death, after all, what it is? Is it sweet, is it scary, or is it what we make it to be? Loosing a younger sibling is like someone chopped off half of your body, half of your life and half of everything that was or could be a part of you. Yet the only fulfillment comes from a constant attempt of regenerating that part, just like when we cut ourselves and white blood cells start working. It doesn’t come from outside, but inside and by remembering the relationship. The experience that it gave us, the knowledge of magic, miracles, prayers coming true, of sharing the love of dance and music. It gave so much to me, this relationship with my sibling, that more than crying on loosing you, I tear up knowing how I learned to identify with what is joy, what is sweetness, what is pain, what is love, and what it means to share laughter, together. I wish sometimes, that I would remember that I also gave you joy as much as you gave me.

I was definitely enamored by you. Your strength was something, that will take me a lifetime to understand. I was born healthy, a normal happy go lucky, annoying mischievous child. You were born with pain, you were born different, and you were born to us.  I do not remember much of my first ten years with you in terms of the regular hospital trips we took as it all happened so fast and so regularly, we tried to take care of you and got used to it as a life process. I remember I worried more for you than you worried for yourself, and I just did not understand why you would not bother to hear me, when I needed you to put that cast on your leg and walk with it. But now I know, you didn’t like it because it hurt you and later as predicted we never got around to heal your leg as they said it should. I don’t know how many times your leg must have hurt and you never told us. How many times you must have said it and that we couldn’t hear it anymore. I really didn’t knew how to help you then, and later also I felt stuck, I couldn’t help you.

The only thing, I knew was to tickle you. It was easy. I just had to give you the experience first, and then do the gesture from far and you would start laughing hysterically. I lied to you, I was ticklish too, but I controlled it, because you could not sense it in your leg. Now, I am not ticklish at all. I wanted to tell you, I don’t know what by doing that. But truly, except that right leg of yours, you were entirely ticklish everywhere else.  It came in handy when we took pictures of you, for sure. I feel extremely guilty sometimes, when I forget and sometimes I feel extremely lonely thinking that I will not see you again ever in that beautiful personality you were born in. I loved you just the way you are and forever, for you were a special soul born to us, and I cannot tell you how much it hurts that I couldn’t figure out anything for you as I didn’t have anything figured out for me either. I am sorry but I tried as much as I knew, but wow! you just had your own story going on there, and boy! I needed to learn from you!!

So I am now. I love you too brother.