Can’t even see

Two years, a deafening silence has become my friend. Its a new visitor in this game. I fill myself with sounds aloud to forget my own name. Your hopes, your desires, your love, your laughter, all fading away into silence. I knew you back then. But you are still with me. I know you and me are friends forever. Only you, I know truly.  My brother. Yeah and you would over dose on bananas. I remember. I survive in hopes to see you again someday. It makes my eyes tear up with a little bit of hope, a little bit of hopelessness. You left my heart wide open, for the whole world to fit inside. I am learning to adjust to this after life, that I am not in my afterlife yet.

Yeah, this time I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to remember, I didn’t want to cry.

And then Jake left, passed to the other side.

I know of life. I know of death. I don’t know war and fight. They said so many times, forget about your brother. Move on. I don’t want to hear that I do not have a dark side. I live with it every second of my life. It does not mean I do not have a lot of light. Its blinding, when you look at the sun, remember, even when you sit under a shady tree. Maybe. Its been hard to write anything for you particularly. I wrote a poem for you the other day, I wish you could hear it. How much I love you my little brother. Gosh you would be all grown up and handsome man now. You probably already are, I know so. I do not know why but I have to believe that you are there on the other side living your life. Maybe you are in another dimension, where I died instead and you feel the same sense of separation from your sister that I do here in this dimension.

Its all an experience anyways right?

I do not even know if I have a right to cry. I didn’t die. I am alive. I question crying but I let it. I can’t write anymore, my heart chokes. I want to honor you and your life as much as I can. And through you, I try to honor all the young people I meet, and I try to understand that they too are my own because we all feel lonely sometimes in our lives.

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