Can’t even see

Two years, a deafening silence has become my friend. Its a new visitor in this game. I fill myself with sounds aloud to forget my own name. Your hopes, your desires, your love, your laughter, all fading away into silence. I knew you back then. But you are still with me. I know you and me are friends forever. Only you, I know truly.  My brother. Yeah and you would over dose on bananas. I remember. I survive in hopes to see you again someday. It makes my eyes tear up with a little bit of hope, a little bit of hopelessness. You left my heart wide open, for the whole world to fit inside. I am learning to adjust to this after life, that I am not in my afterlife yet.

Yeah, this time I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to remember, I didn’t want to cry.

And then Jake left, passed to the other side.

I know of life. I know of death. I don’t know war and fight. They said so many times, forget about your brother. Move on. I don’t want to hear that I do not have a dark side. I live with it every second of my life. It does not mean I do not have a lot of light. Its blinding, when you look at the sun, remember, even when you sit under a shady tree. Maybe. Its been hard to write anything for you particularly. I wrote a poem for you the other day, I wish you could hear it. How much I love you my little brother. Gosh you would be all grown up and handsome man now. You probably already are, I know so. I do not know why but I have to believe that you are there on the other side living your life. Maybe you are in another dimension, where I died instead and you feel the same sense of separation from your sister that I do here in this dimension.

Its all an experience anyways right?

I do not even know if I have a right to cry. I didn’t die. I am alive. I question crying but I let it. I can’t write anymore, my heart chokes. I want to honor you and your life as much as I can. And through you, I try to honor all the young people I meet, and I try to understand that they too are my own because we all feel lonely sometimes in our lives.

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About in my brother's name

Before I became three, I was given a brother and by the age of thirty, he was taken away. For 26 years, he kept me his sweet company, and then left me, asking me to do something more. To understand something more. Something...that will be revealed in time. In my brother's name. Amen.

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