Visiting

Two years ago, in May when I heard that my brother went missing first time. I remember clearly that his whole life flashed in front of my eyes. I was at work looking at a computer screen, and my memory of that is that instead of work- I saw his life flash on that screen. A day before this news, in the evening, it was Tuesday and I found myself led to the meditation place in Silver Spring and then eventually stopping to see a psychic. I was hazed and confused, and time seemed to be slow. Later, it was found that he most probably was gone by Tuesday evening, since he was missing since Monday.

I for some reason felt that I knew internally that of the two possibilities, that my brother is alive and that my brother has passed to the other side, the later was probably more true. Somehow with all the signs, my senses told me he had transitioned, and I was settling into this knowingness unwillingly before anyone knew.  Some signs of this knowingess were, that time was really slow, I felt like my brain was whirling into a small vortix tornado thought pattern, at one point I felt a really strong pain like experience in the middle of my chest, which is probably the place for heart chakra. It felt like a part of my life force in my heart space leaving me. Imagining a part of my own soul leaving.

When it was finally revealed, that he is gone, major shift happened in the way I saw things literally. It was all slow, vastly spacious and the silence was really loud. It was like the space was this sound, that was only heard in the experience of feeling, it was literally not heard, but the sense of sound was there through feeling and it was loud. It converged into me and from me this sound went out and became louder and louder. Its like I was resonating it/ or with it/ or resounding.

I did not want to accept his passing as a literal passing, and I still am coming to terms with it, yet I feel like I want to believe that his passing is a temporary phase and he could come back. I asked him, if he would come visit us, I really wanted to give him a hug before he transitioned. I do not know why I just asked for that much only. I do not know how, but he did come visit me, he was wearing a white shirt and blue jeans. He was looking for water, he needed to drink water. When he came I saw him, I asked for a hug but then I realized that as soon as he gives me a hug he will leave, and he sure did. As he left, I woke up with a really sharp pain in my heart as if a fragment of my soul is leaving my body, yelling, “No! No!”

I was given the task by my mother to put his life story together in pictures for funeral. A tough job to do before seeing his physical body first time in a week of him missing and knowing he has passed. I remember very clearly that it was really late at night, and I felt so strongly, so strongly in my body, this message, when I picked this particular picture to put on, that was how he is, looking away. I felt like it was the message, that he wanted me to remember him like this, when I see his damaged body from the water. He sure was looking away and even though his face and body were all turned green, it was still my brother.  My memory of his eyes that were gone, his teeth that were still there, and his beautiful luscious hair that were intact and still full and beautiful, is the memory of seeing him last time before they burnt that body in furnace. No. I didn’t say good bye. I didn’t see him being locked in to the furnace to be burnt. He was too beautiful, too delicate to be burnt. Yet, I felt that, that act made him free, free of that body.

Then when he transitioned like this (may be through my desire I saw this or it was my imagination or truth), later he visited again in my dream and showed me that he was flying and he took me flying really fast over the river in which his physical body was found. He seemed happy about being free. From then on he has visited several times in my dreams, friend’s and parent’s dreams too.

Most recently, he came in my dream and he was back again! I was super confused in this dream and I said what is this, and I think he reminded me that he liked ladoos, and he made me eat one which woke me up from that dream state, which felt so real!! He also comes sometimes in my dream and helps me prepare for real life situations, such as being there for me when I am teaching my class in the dream, most recently. This dream gave me a lot of courage around this class I am teaching. My brother is awesome!! I can feel his presence in my life even though he is gone. He will always live forever young in my memory, and most amazing man I have ever known.