Lapsing Back to 14

LuckybeingSillyAs we move into adulthood from pre-teens, we start to develop a wall of protection around us. This wall develops layer by layer, year by year, like a solid sedimentary rock through many experiences, many negatives and some positives, that we face while growing up. Yeah girls just like to play too, and so do boys. I used to play with my brother a lot. We played chess, ping pong (table tennis or TT as we called it for short), sometimes soccer (futbol), war games (without videogames), hide and seek, cards, ludo, snakes and ladders, dolls, house-house, tag, and so many more…..

One special game with my brother was putting him on a bed sheet and sliding him around the house on the marble floor. It was jolly good fun for him…..and a joy for me to watch him giggle. I had remote controls for him to make him giggle without touching him. Now I cry.

I am an adult. I get a job and make money. I finish school, Bachelors, Masters, learn learn learn, earn earn earn. I strive for titles and positions, so I can get approved by my parents, who disapprove me thoroughly until I bring them much wanted but much scarce social validation. Pride is hard to find in my girl body, unless it is luscious like a Hindi Soap Opera character.

“Murliji/Anitaji – what is your daughter doing these days?”

“She is working on her PhD.”

“That is so nice, she is so smart. Any plans for getting married.”


2011, May: I lost my partner in play, partner in life, but I also realized that he was my partner in soul…yeah he is not lost but I regret it deeply and selfishly.

I lapsed back to 14, with strong desires to play. To find someone to play with, play ping pong, laugh, and share silly things, like dancing hardcore on the dance floor on music ranging from Bollywood to Hollywood, bust a Bhangra move or two or just go crazy silly nuts!! Make plans to prank parents and then celebrate together with more giggles!

I walked around searching for my brother, wanting to play and make him giggle again, and saw him everywhere in all the young people in this world. I made intense connections and felt their angst. Their fight against the world that wants them to be an obedient adult and some who welcome the title of being an adult without knowing how to be one.

They also want to play and I am looking for a partner to play with. But truly, they are also not looking to play. They haven’t lapsed to 14 like I did. They are growing into adult. I am growing into a teen again. It brings great joy to be innocent again, and also heart breaking disappointments pertaining to the adult world.