Surviving you

In half an hour here, it will be your birthday. I sit alone in my parent’s house balling my eyes out as I write this.. Is there any justice we can do to your passing away? I use your laptop to write this blog. Everything saved just as you left it, not even the web browsing history removed. I do not look at it again and again, its embedded in my memory. Probably only me knows the depth of your last thoughts before you left but I unable to put it in words. I was the last person to see you before you left but unable to connect with you on a human level. I did thought of it though. I suffer this pain in my destiny. Losing the most beautiful person in my life. No one in our family can understand the depth of things that we saw together. It was just like yesterday you were DJing at my Americorps graduation. Me proud of you and you proud of me.

My brother, we are connected from our hearts together. I hope you are doing well where ever you are. I know I failed you in this life time when you were alive. I attribute it to my gender. Things would have better for you if I was your brother. May be I was in some previous life, or I am in another dimension I do not know. Sometimes I truly wish I was an alien, so people wouldn’t treat me as an alien. But that is what you felt when you were alive whether you were here in the USA or Bharat. You never said, where you feel most home at. I know you felt the most alive at with your cousins and in Bharat when I saw your pictures from your visit. But when we asked you to go back, I do not know what happened.

Losing you has not come without ups and downs, but also with profound understanding that all humanity is a big family indeed. Everyday a sister and a brother is dying because of hate. You were always the reason to live for me, my reason to continue my education and be a good example, to get a job. Silly me, I made up all these things in my head, all these rules. I couldn’t leave you alone, and when I truly did for a short time, you left me alone. I tell you everyone is really cruel. They don’t care if someone dies. They just go on with their life and force you to smile. That is cruelty.  We never stop for a minute and think why someone died. We just run from the death freaking out as if we are next. We deny it thinking we are defying it. We lie to the society as to what really happened, and those who do not really care, ask what happened? what happened? I have only one answer You Died for those who do not care. There is no masala. I will be quiet down. Then someone will say oh you should move on, life your life. I am living a life, rather wish I could, if you had not left me alive.

They said we should go into counseling. What will they counsel us on? Betrayal, Misogyny, Years of stress, Disrespect, Economic Downturn, Moving overseas, Adjusting to a new time and culture, Growing up into adulthood, or just general depression?

I think they all need counsel. They grow these monsters. Men and Women that have no regard for life, they forget even breathing is so important to life, they say crappy things to break your spirits. Its hard to believe but truly this great divide between humans, is suicidal itself.

And for some reason, I sense this strange perfume right now…my favorite perfume on you. It makes me feel you are around.